My Hollow World

2010-09-02T00:52:00.000+09:00

I'm 22 years old from today now.

Time has become too cruel to me.

2010-08-17T01:10:00.002+09:00

I'm in love with myself today. Totally...

No doubt is short today, but I'd like to love myself a little more and more as day pass from this moment onwards.

I'm a full grown mature woman with pride. Good night. :)

2010-08-16T01:20:00.002+09:00

I wanted to say sorry. Because this feelings were so heavy that they were crashing down on me. I felt so suffocated.

At first, I thought these were feelings of infatuation but now has it became a crush of a fond towards him? I couldn't care less and all I could think of was just being hold by him.

So it was true of what William Shakespeare meant by "Desire of having is the sin of covetousness". I've committed something heinous.

2010-08-15T00:50:00.002+09:00

I wished it had rained today like yesterday. So I can sleep well but I think I'll be having insomnia tonight.

Walked home alone today listening to music and suddenly I felt so depressed. Despite I had spent about 40% of my time on listening to music from the point I woke up to the point that I fell asleep. My emotions just swings according to the thoughts that flashed in my mind. Still, listening to music has become an important piece of puzzle in my life for controling my emotions.

Life has gotten more boring as everyday passes by. What had I done? What am I gonna do? What can I do? Where will I be? Where can I go? Here, I asked a question...

...will anyone remember me? I felt like a bubble in the air. Listening to an old song, Yellow by Coldplay now.

2010-08-13T01:11:00.002+09:00

Someone told me, whenever I'm alone, I'd always looked so sad. I'd want to know. Why is that so.

He, whom I once loved, said so. He, who saw me laughed, my smile, crying face, endured my frustration and went through with my depressive nature. Caught my every moment in his camera. But was praised during sun rise, my smile is similar to the warm sun rays. He said he couldn't leave me alone as I'd looked as though I'm going to cry any moment.

Tonight, I looked into the mirror. I couldn't find that anymore. Had I changed? Life is getting hard for me to endure. Right now, this minute, I can't hold my heart from crying so sadly.

I can't help it... feeling so heartwrenching.

2010-08-11T23:17:00.003+09:00

Is a rainy day today. The whole of today I was waiting for this moment to come writing about my thoughts. Listening to Yoko Shimomura's "Twinkle Twinkle Holidays" made me want to dream. As I saw myself had fun holding hands with someone I love and shopping around an old town market.

Tonight as I walked home looking at the beautiful clear night sky, and kept on looking at the lonely star shining between the sky bridges. I wonder if he was gazing at the same star as I do even though he's faraway.

However, it was just my plain imagination. Does he, whom I have fallen in love with, did exist? Just thinking of this question, I can't help but want to cry. I felt so empty at 10:28pm.

2010-08-10T23:48:00.004+09:00

I couldn't sleep yesterday night. Was wondering why is that so but I couldn't stop myself from thinking about him so badly till I had insomnia.

My mind is all images about him and these were just mere feelings of infatuation. Even though I had long forgotten this diary that reflects my life and truth being, I'd wish I have the habit of coming back here again.

Tonight, I felt so guilty as though I had betrayed someone whom I had once loved before. Since that day, the love we shared had ceased.

Will we be able to move on without him knowing this unforgivable secrets? I doubt so...

Blue Feelings

2010-01-19T00:38:00.004+09:00

A sky dyed in blue.

A pair of eyes that sees nothing but blue.

Gazing at the blue sky with these blue blue feelings...

Say? I'd decided not to... Unknown illness, cry can I?
That's why these weird feelings. Were just full of why.

Candidus

2009-10-02T22:17:00.001+09:00

As I walked and felt that I had reached the end.

And I saw this Morning Star shining brightly in the endless darkness.

I just felt its candidus.

That's Love

2009-10-01T18:33:00.001+09:00

Just say I don't want you to go.

And I will stay next to you.
That's my love for you.

Near Me

2009-09-17T22:25:00.002+09:00

Don't go too far.
Be somewhere near me.

At least, I can hold you tightly.
That fragrance from your long hair, makes me unable to forget you...

Pain

2009-09-16T00:10:00.002+09:00

I saw myself hugging her tightly.

Snow dyed in the filth of blood.

Why?

Did my heart ache so much till I felt I'm breaking apart?

Different Love

2009-09-14T01:03:00.000+09:00

Like always you had hugged me to sleep...

I can feel the warm and your love wholeheartedly.

Your love does not belongs to me yet it can't be helped that my heart is aching.

01.09.2009

2009-09-01T10:35:00.001+09:00

Is a day of my own...

Somehow I just couldn't smile.

I know no feelings of happiness right now.

19 August 2009, Sunny

2009-08-19T23:00:00.000+09:00

I'm not comfortable with someone whom is nice to me.
In another 13 days, I will turn 21.
Time is counting down, I regretted for wasting my time feeling remorse and rewinding.
The rays hugged me warmly today piercing through the tree.

Just like my name....

00:00

2009-08-13T19:45:00.002+09:00

While walking my way back home and looking at sun which is about to set...

In this world, what more can I see?

I'd questioned myself, what am I seeking to clear the misty path which I had always been walking on.

Endless dreams gives me sleepless nights in my other world at 00:00.

Is a vicious cycle

2008-10-23T21:52:00.003+09:00

I believed he was hurt badly
I know she's hurt badly

I should have know since long long time ago
That she isn't that so nice
Am upset, but I don't think there's nothing wrong
Am happy, because I know what is going on

I definitely regretted helping
I suppose, is always best depending on myself
I just closed another door of freedom a few minutes ago

Just like in the past I always do
Closing myself in a comfy zone and continue to watch them die
Is always that satisfying
Am gloating away with enjoyment

I hate being an adult
Is always nice being a kid

Ain't Dead, the Glass Love

2008-04-25T03:47:00.004+09:00

Heartbreaking
Be it cry or smile
Left or patch
I couldn't find a reason
To love him or myself

Be it too late
Or it never arrives
Tears were dried
Stains were there

Nobody knows the sorrows and fears
I'm sorry for that broken love and dreams that made of glass
I wished I wasn't there
So I won't feel so guilty

Breaking up songs keep playing everyday and every night
Plunging memories rewind back and forth
I know I will fall tonight
Please turn around and tell me
You ain't dead since that night

My Story

2008-04-04T06:00:00.002+09:00

Till someday...

You realized, you could fly without wings.

Till someone tells you...

You knew, you could love someone without a heart.

Till somewhere you went...

You found out, you could lie down at anywhere you wish.

This is my story for the end of today.

Stray Like Me

2008-04-02T03:59:00.002+09:00

The unread journals
Left unknown

The unknown feelings
Left ignore

I have been all myself with the leftover dignity
Left me standing on my two feet till the last minute of each day
I'm like a stray cat
Waiting to see...

The last minute of everything.

Long Night... Tonight

2008-03-19T06:03:00.003+09:00

Sing please...
Echoes into my empty shell.

How will you forgive?
How will you let go?
Incurable sins, could you forget?

Am not perfect...
Am not flawless...

So what is forgiveness you are willing to withhold?
What is the well-being you are willing to make?

Vowed

2008-03-18T06:54:00.003+09:00

The horse of mine isn't listening to me

Untamed?
Dying?
Pain?

A knight hesitate upon his blades to slay
Yet doesn't have a human heart
Listening to his foot steps
He's hesitating to walk forward

Why forgive someone like me?
I turned my sword against you
Hesitate won't spare you
Because I swore to...

200 Minutes

2008-03-17T01:35:00.001+09:00

200 minutes had passed...

I'm entering shutting down stage...

Tonight is going to be endless depression.

Adieu...

我说，你说（爱）

2007-11-29T02:33:00.000+09:00

多么想爱
就只是他

但是
有多想的爱
早已被遗忘

冬天里的哪一片雪
有你的气息
秋天里的哪一片红叶
有你的送我的爱

我愿意等
直到冰融化为止

First Thing

2007-11-09T03:26:00.000+09:00

Awaken from the slumber
I ain't just lying there spacing out at the ceiling
I'm simply trying to recall everything about myself

As I hate my presence
But I can't forgive those who rejects my existence
The first thing in the morning

The last thing to reject

To the Messenger

2007-09-05T05:36:00.000+09:00

WHY DIDN'T HE JUST DIE?!

Though that scab is peeling off
With Ran-nii catching my fall
I could feel myself again

Heavy Welkin

2007-08-26T01:14:00.001+09:00

I can't blog today.
Perhaps I don't have the mood?
Or maybe my mind was blank?

But looking at the night sky,
With shades of red clouds.
As though the moon princess had hid herself,
Somewhere between those red veils.

I felt my head is spinning when I looked all the way up
I could feel myself falling down the cliff
Just like the sky is getting so closed to me
Heavy and it said, "Hug me"

I need to do something
Before this heavy feeling
Is crushing my body....

Chronos

2007-08-25T01:37:00.000+09:00

Sensible?
Or maybe I could see it?
Hear my voices somewhere else.
Anywhere is always empty.

"Almighty Time" in charged by Chronos
Cruelly controlling time to make chaos
Where time is so slow till I suffer from distortion
Where time is too fast till breathing is time wasting

Yet time rewinding is a taboo
In the end,
You managed half of my fate and destiny

Waltzing Curse

2007-08-24T02:13:00.000+09:00

A night full of stars
Coldly half moon hanging
Melodious romance
Sending my heart out of its lonely shell

Waltzing with my shadow
In this quiet alley lit up by the shimmering rays from the moon
Music played by a pauper on the street
"Come, dance with me"
Lifted by the gentle wind

Together with the unsweeped rose petals left behind
From the celebration of the victorious war
Dances together with the wind then with me
Lonely shadow was a woman waiting for her love
Lonely man was originally a "she" waiting for death in war

Romantic waltz
Celebrates the lonely anniversary
Yet present wasn't a gown
But a gun for the endless battles
Dive deeply into the sea of love and sorrow
Only awaits to find someone who will be her home someday

Melted Tears

2007-08-23T01:17:00.000+09:00

Darkness closed my eyes
Hence I won't see what's hurt
Tears melt in the darkness
Coldly yet heartwarming

His big hands covering my eyes
Brightness can't creeps in
"These tears aren't for anyone"
He said so...

Calling

2007-08-22T01:34:00.001+09:00

They betrayed me
That's why they are humans
It's part of them too

I'm immune to being left behind
No doubt this couldn't be the first and the last
Always out casted and I wonder just how different I am

Arrived alone
Depart alone
Stop hugging from my back and said you need to cry
Stop asking me to lend you my shoulders
Then who shall I ask it from

Who will be the next person
Who will be the next to make me shed tears
I'm not walking in one's shadow
If you really can't live without me
Then please...

Call my name

Moribund

2007-08-20T02:25:00.000+09:00

My life is messed up by my parents
Yet I have to clean all the mess myself in the very end
What more can I still give
What can I do
What should I say

Nothing
NOTHING
NOTHING ELSE
I'm EMPTY....

Howling in the midnight at 3 a.m
In search of someone
Who's capable to kill me
I'm losing my senses soon

Lonely Silent

2007-08-19T03:41:00.000+09:00

There's only 1 star shining brightly tonight
Gentle breezes
Silent night
A night where every problems arise
At the back of those gentle waves
Might follow with huge and strong waves

The Extent

2007-08-18T01:39:00.000+09:00

DAMN that almighty fellow
Who always sealed my escapes
He, who made me deprived from freedom
And yet....
I hate to lose everything to him

To this extent
It's still none of my concern
Whatever it may be
Just perish....

15 to 00:00

2007-08-17T01:51:00.000+09:00

The next atonement date is arriving soon.
15 more days to go.
It's no longer a date for me.
But a date for handling the consequences.

Bloomed

2007-08-16T03:36:00.000+09:00

Peaceful...
Piano Concerto No.20 in C Major, K476: Andante
I know you loved playing that especially during Spring

Sweet and gentle
As if I was lying in the full bloomed garden
Never failed to indulge in reminiscing
Makes me remembered that white dress
Which you said it's looks nice on me

Wished I never grew
Thus,
I might be more carefree than I am now

It's Time

2007-08-15T01:34:00.000+09:00

If I don't fly now
There won't be anymore chance to escape
I was once taken for granted
Soon that will be the last

From a weak being who need a crutch
To distinguish myself different from others
Leaving this never ending merry-go-round
To a place which accepts me

New Blood

2007-08-14T03:16:00.000+09:00

Everything about you were in bits and pieces
I just remembered your face a year ago
Never did I expect
I have you all along

Keep me accompany
Till the last sun sets
No other reasons
Just because you shared the same blood as I do

Summer Afterall

2007-08-13T02:39:00.000+09:00

I'm tired today.
Ran asked me to rest.
Since when?

I wonder....
Ran-nii will put me to sleep tonight?
It's still summer afterall.

Summer Festival

2007-08-12T03:40:00.000+09:00

The summer festival is starting
Let's watch the fireworks together
That's your promise
I wonder do you still remember?

Maybe I was a little worried
Would you be the same bored person like the others
Or perhaps so, you might be special
Still, I have only you around to close my eyes

My only chance to live longer
Where I search that scent and freedom from

Loan

2007-08-11T00:41:00.000+09:00

The day when my heart hardens
When my senses dies off
As the distortion eats up and spreads throughout my body
I was announced dead

Yet the contradicting part for the urge to live
But the hope to die for the longing freedom
Makes me fear

Fear to die, because there's so many things I need to do
Thus time wasn't enough
Fear to live, because I have been on the same bored path
Thus death might be the key to let me jump out of it

Loan me your back
Don't be stingy please
Just no matter who you're
Lend it to me for awhile
Just few seconds will do

At least let me feel better

"Business"

2007-08-10T01:42:00.000+09:00

There's always things that only "family" can end
But to me...
I don't even remember I have one
It doesn't concern me either

But is really a pain in the ass
So just stop mumbling
About what's not true

Gray Thunderstorm

2007-08-09T00:40:00.000+09:00

The loneliness creeps in just because...
You kept mentioning something which I don't know about.
That no longer matters anymore.
It's so quiet today.
The gray snow keeps on falling.
In the midst of a thunderstorm.

"Hush...."
I still can't forget Ran's whispering voice.

A Copy

2007-08-08T02:39:00.001+09:00

I just don't like you.
No other reasons.
That's all.

If that's the way you welcome me as your family.
Then I rather have you as my dinner.
No doubt sharing the same face as I do.

I just hate the way people so call-ed "family".
Nonetheless, the blood we shared.
I'll be the last one carrying it.

Dysfunctional

2007-08-07T20:06:00.001+09:00

At least we have something in common.
A dysfunction family.
Who doesn't know how it feels?
Being alone is way to normal.
I'm used to it.

Hush....
Please don't say anything.
Please don't tell me anything.
Please watch how everything changes.
Please let me just finished them off one by one.

The party which I always am alone.
But not for tonight anymore.
The bloody party is gonna rock.
Since I'm already malfunctioned.
The crimson stain isn't dirt.

Is something similar that mingle in my veins.
My life isn't sweet like a strawberry sundae.

"Which" is Referring Me

2007-08-06T01:54:00.000+09:00

My name?
I didn't have one?
Maybe,
I didn't need one?

Why a name must be chosen?
Name...
Simply is just something I was born without.
Something which I can't see with my eyes.
Something which I believed I need it during important times.

But now,
I suppose everything happens at the wrong timing.
I lost it.
No doubt, I'm stopping right now.

Cries in the Shadow

2007-08-05T01:12:00.001+09:00

As nightfalls
When I couldn't see the brand new morning
My screams were endless in the eternity darkness
Soundless cries drives me insane

It's the time to come
Please kill me if you're able to save me
Before it eats up my conscious
Soon I won't be able to feel like what I was before

Cries in the shadow
Is like the silence when the horror creeps

Pathetique - ll - Adagio Cantabile

2007-08-04T01:29:00.000+09:00

He played Sonata in C Op.13 "Pathetique" by Beethoven
Every note he hits on the piano keys
As though ripples can be seen on the crystal clear water
Easy breeze blowing

For some reason
It was singing about the pathetic of everything
I couldn't help but tears was like a cup of overflowing water
How he felt was expressed without words

There he said softly
"Is a piece for you my dear
Please don't cry
I may or may not understand
So much for the desire to be free
So much for can't help feeling pathetic
At least I'm with you
Please remember me"

Seconds Glitch

2007-08-03T01:03:00.000+09:00

Never did I realise...
Time does glitch...
Especially the gaps between the milliseconds.
Is too slow for me.

Simplicity Classical

2007-08-02T02:22:00.000+09:00

The simplicity of classical.
Where no notes are wasted.
The echoes of love and fun...
Keeps you refreshed and rejuvenated always.

I had wasted my days when I was a kid,
Now there's no more chance for me to chase my dream...
Be it a pianist or a violinist...
I was born wasted for not pursuing my dreams.

Ran

2007-07-31T02:29:00.000+09:00

His voice
Caring as always
He who lived in me
Shared the same body as I do
"Onii-san"
"Ran nii-san"

He's my big brother who doesn't leave me behind
The only one who held my hand
Through everything

Underground LESSON H.E.L.L 4

2007-07-29T03:10:00.000+09:00

Underground LESSON H.E.L.L. 4: Nature Law of Balance

Qns: Why don't I have everything?

Ans: You should know why.

Nature law of balance.
The equilibrium.
Gain and loss.
Sow and reap.

That's the thing is all about.
You give what you get.
Only trash like rotten humans never learns.
Just die.

Such thing is too much for trash.

Next Full Moon

2007-07-28T01:51:00.000+09:00

I know I'm no different compared to a beast
From that day onwards
I'm no longer who I really was

Carries the inhuman blood
With the instinct of a beast
Which I don't even need a heart
Using a rotten vessel
Able to live on without feeling guilty of anything

It no longer matters whether am I still depressed or not
It doesn't matter whether am I lonely or not
It has no link whether am I the only one who wished to die
I don't even care whether am I the only silly moron who think as the only one who is unfortunate

I'm just a beast which escapes death
Having the urge to live on
To see the next full moon

"You"

2007-07-25T02:31:00.000+09:00

Crystallized tears dissolved in your warmth....
Gentle hands....
Awakening voice....
I could be searching for someone like "You"
Whom I believed as miracle

Tormenting

2007-07-23T01:27:00.000+09:00

For some reason,
the pain today is killing me.

As though someone is grabbing hold of my heart.
I can't feel the blood running in my blood vessels.

Is really painful.
Because I can't breathe.

20.07.07, Summer, Sunny

2007-07-20T02:34:00.000+09:00

Today is lonely.
That's all.
I'm relieved and free.

My Perverted Nature

2007-07-18T04:11:00.000+09:00

I can't wait...

To see,

how his head got cut up,
stabbed on the forehead,
sliced and cut down,
open up the skull,
mashed up brain,
dug up eyeballs,
washed my hands with the small fountain of blood.

Just a dream you see....
But is a all heated up and wet dream for me.
I was so excited last night.

Application

2007-07-13T03:16:00.000+09:00

There's no requirement to apply for death.
Yet, there's requirement to apply for after death.

Heaven for being His boot licking lackeys.
Banished for eternity for not believing in Him.

He whom I despise and loved pushed me out of the realm,
will never be forgiven.

Insomnia

2007-07-11T02:42:00.000+09:00

I slapped her....

What's going on is that,

I could no longer hear voices and felt my heartbeat.

But just felt cold blood running in my veins.

I'm senseless when I go crazy.

She ran out but I'm still gasping for oxygen.

It's going to be a sleepless night. Tonight.

Struggling

2007-07-10T03:54:00.000+09:00

I'm older than I think who I am....

How much I wished that I won't turn into bad adults.

Stayed away from the bad mannered and hard world they faced.

Struggling within the small box.

I Knew

2007-07-08T01:50:00.000+09:00

Someday I might become those boring humans
Walking on the street aimlessly
I felt my world crumbles like puzzle pieces
Whenever I thought I'm just only 18

I pissed him off
I knew but I didn't apologize
It's something I need to do
I need a barrier
Before I commit the same mistake

It's better this way
Really....

Rememberance

2007-07-05T01:16:00.001+09:00

To my friend who passed away on the same day as today....

I kept my promise that you shall be the first and last.

My only last gift for you a year ago,

and my last love that I could give you....

My Honesty

2007-07-04T03:10:00.000+09:00

The lullaby which was played before I fell....

made me cried before I hate.

My hatred made me regret,

yet caused me to feel empty.

Forgiven the pitiful soul to redeem my sin,

where my freedom lies to be relieved....

Stepping Out

2007-07-03T03:39:00.000+09:00

What had kept me walked till now that I'm 18?

Sometimes kept on walking just makes me felt tired.

What if stepping out in an ordinary Sunday?

Thus, I would wonder....

could it be something which makes me feel reminiscing.

Rejection

2007-07-01T00:13:00.000+09:00

When He could do something extraordinary, He is known as God.

But when He commits mistakes, He is regard as human.

I'd rebelled because I love Him too much....

But His rejection always made me lonely.

I, who could be God

2007-06-26T23:09:00.000+09:00

3 things God can do,

First to create soul.
Second to watch after them.
Lastly to change the Earth's environment.

1 thing which God can only give,

DESPAIR....

My disappointment is not just only God's own limitation but unable to comprehend why He, who created us and still couldn't watch over us every min and every second.

I, who felt total despair which overwhelms all disappointments came to believe that I'm my very own God.

Or,

I, who felt total despair which overwhelms all disappointments came to blame God that is all His fault?

Which I don't feel like trusting so, including myself....

He or He

2007-06-25T01:52:00.001+09:00

I couldn't differentiate between God and Demons.

God behaves like a Demon when He betrayed us.

While Demon behaves like a God when He's being mercy.

Perhaps humans are just to weak to believe in themselves and thus they rely too much of the good and evil nonsense.

Yet maybe someone like me whom had thought....

Instead of what you believe in,

Instead of what He nor He does,

Live and believe as in ourself.

Fade away Fate

2007-06-19T00:54:00.000+09:00

Sicked off, were left aside

Unused, were kept behind

As time goes, were forgotten

When generation passed, were destroyed

Part of my fate as a human....

(My Winning 11 was badly damaged, there goes my hard earn effort!!! All thanks to someone.... Nonetheless, thank you too as it's time for me to get a new version.)

あめわ雨だろう？

2007-06-17T01:55:00.001+09:00

I....

Want to sleep peacefully inside the rain.

Till the sky falls.

Till the earth splits.

Till I feel relieved....

Hatred to Murder

2007-06-16T02:01:00.001+09:00

I hate him....

My father....

Enough hatred and antagonism to kill him with my own bare hands.

I don't feel like staying home but runaway again like I used to do....

My life as a wanderer soon will begin.

My Resolve

2007-06-16T01:55:00.000+09:00

I refuse to give in,

to the fact that I can't reach him...

I refuse to give up,

on the fact that he will love me till forever one day...

I believed someday soon we'll see each other face to face as strangers.

However I know my heart is finally big enough to keep him within me...

Sexual Disgrace

2007-06-14T00:56:00.000+09:00

I just feel that I don't actually have a father right from the beginning.

I really hate him right from 8 years ago.

Filthy and stained relationship with the eternal blood we shared....

Nonetheless....

I couldn't help but have the urge to tear him apart.

Underground LESSON H.E.L.L 3

2007-06-06T01:39:00.000+09:00

Qn: I'm afraid...

Ans: Absurd fear for foolish idiots

The absurd fear: "I'm afraid that I can't make it"

If I want it so much....

I'll make sure I get it!

The absurd fear: "I'm afraid I can't reach it"

If I'm protecting my last desire....

I'll kill those who blocked my way!

Shut Up

2007-06-05T00:31:00.000+09:00

煩い

煩い

人間わ煩い

如何して？

0215

2007-06-02T03:14:00.000+09:00

〇二十五分

深夜里飘来的花香

不知从那来

I was thinking....

Do you feel the same as I do?

Crowded

2007-05-31T23:05:00.000+09:00

I hate places crowded with rotten humans....

Filled with decaying awful odour....

Know

2007-05-28T00:50:00.000+09:00

What do you know about me?
All you could say is that you understand!
Even I don't even know myself.
Just because I had your blood and I'm part of the family.
I felt nothing but just strangers.
That disgusting feeling and decaying trust, WHAT DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

我的存在多了一个人
我的灵魂不再是一面完美的镜子

Your Majesty

2007-05-25T00:23:00.000+09:00

I want to be King.
No idea why but just want to keep winning.
Conquering and defeat anything that blocks me.
I'm not trying to be ambitious but I just like the feeling of everyone revolves around me.
I couldn't stop myself thinking of being a ruler and make everyone pays.

I'm not afraid to lose but I'm afraid I can't try my best conquering everything which I wished for.
Be it whether I want to be King.
Or whatever may it be that I might be God either King of Demons.
Rather than being a normal decaying homo sapiens and lead a normal life that couldn't excite me, I'd love to take control of whatever I could lay my hands on.

Perhaps soon I'm going crazy but I know I'm won't.
The feeling of being the one leading showed me the way to look forward for tomorrow.
I loved the feeling of destroying what's beautiful and what's not.
Doesn't mean I couldn't get it, I couldn't lay a finger on it.
If the opportunity comes, I'll shred it to pieces with joy.

Maybe today you can be friends with me but tomorrow the joy of killing you is what I can thought of.
My love to you is to destroy you.
So you can be with me forever.
I loathe to share. Really....

Underground LESSON H.E.L.L 2

2007-05-12T00:14:00.000+09:00

Qn: What would you do if suddenly someone said "I'm not going to talk to you"?

Ans: I'm fine with it, why not let's play this game forever. I mean who would want to talk to a moron?

Lies and truth. Which one would you choose? Lies are beautiful and truth hurts but that's reality. Would you really give a damn? In this harsh world, lies meant to protect oneself and truths meant to back stabbed. There you were confusingly thinking perhaps lies were the truth and vice versa.

If you think saying something but in fact doesn't meant anything. In this REAL world, it doesn't count whether you really meant it or not. There'll be people like me taking things seriously. Practice what you preach. What you said, you must be able to do it.

I had been lying every minute and every second and could you differentiate am I honest or am I a big fat liar? What counts is whether you know what you had said. Words can kill since it was made alive by us.

Underground LESSON H.E.L.L 1

2007-05-03T00:42:00.000+09:00

Qn: What's the first thing you want to do after you had a car?

Ans: Bang down someone who betray the meaning of loyalty and make sure he DIES.

The world turns clockwise but in reality it turns anti-clockwise. If you think being righteous is everything but in fact is a kind of "money" which buys what you need.

The Underground LESSON H.E.L.L 1:

Never pray to GOD, cause sometimes He turns his back against us. Anyway His neither superman nor work 24/7. He abide his own rule: Never serve the human beings.

Pray to the evil lords to fulfill your desires.

To do evil deeds doesn't mean you're evil, just merely protecting yourself.
This how the world goes round!
It doesn't pay to be kind but it pay to be realistic.
Humans were never compassionate from the day they were born.

Undone

2007-05-01T03:45:00.000+09:00

52 Hours ago I found strange changes in my body.
I thought I might not be able to live any much longer and broke into tears as fears creeps into my nerves.

I couldn't believe myself that no matter how much I had prepared for the arrival of death and in the end I still couldn't handle the truth.

After 14 hours of sleep and I woke up with a thought.
I asked is there any things that left undone if my lifespan left only less than a year?
I supposed none. I wondered had I prepared myself enough and get ready to go.
Till I realized the part I'm not satisfied about was...
I couldn't make her happy.

GET it RIGHT

2007-04-28T18:12:00.000+09:00

It's a shame which passes down from generation to generation.
That filthy stain can't be washed.
Runs in the blood and spreads through everywhere.
Guilty innocence is the true legacy from the homo sapiens.
Loyalty shows no honor but treachery for fames and desires.

Get it RIGHT!
The stench of the rotten faith runs within.
Diffusing its biohazardous elements where we're enclosed in this stratosphere.

Defensive Dumb Ass

2007-04-26T00:25:00.001+09:00

I'm tired from work but still I'm entering a sin today. No matter how much I had shared this childish story to my close ones, I still find it hard to accept the fact that I could forgive such kind of person. Need not say nor do I need to mention the name, I suppose he or she should know what is it about. Sometimes I just can't figure out what's wrong with acknowledging one's own shortcomings? Does it mean accepting it is really a shame? Why do people have to be so idiotically defensive and give loads of excuses that makes no sense at all? Maybe their brains weren't structured and functioning properly? I don't see why do I have to be the only one trying accept everything especially when one doesn't even know how to appreciate and realize what the other has done.

So what if I said that, "hey, I tried my best to accept you", and I just simply felt there's no need for it for an ungrateful idiot who tries to act blur and pretend nothing has happened at all. Quit the act and stop being blur even no matter how innocent your moronic face is, everyone still can see how ugly the way you acted. Nothing wrong in admitting mistakes that you think you had never committed. Cause all these while you had been repeating these mistakes which everybody feels that "there's no need to tell you because watching you committing mistakes is as though watching monkeys performing in the circus for entertainment usage! you're basically nothing but to amuse me, you dumb ass head!". I really hate to say it but I just don't know how these people had their world worked out? Naive? Innocent? Is that all they can act to survive? I'm not sure though but they were as confusing as I am now.

Which part I couldn't understand? The part where what I said about them is WRONG and what they said is ALWAYS RIGHT! I could only say something which is so sinful which is "F*** it man, you think who the f*** you're? Trying to have the last say for everything! Your world is so damn small that what you can see is only people revolving around you! Freak ass man...". This is the moment when I just want to paste a "Rejected" sticker on them and dump them into the incinerator just like those rejected contaminated food products! Screw you! Looking at you is just as though looking at yoghurts which had incubated for 3 days at 37 degree celcius, looks nice at the outside but contaminated within, looks inhomogeneous and gave off a foul smell.

I tried my best accepting every shortcomings you had but I supposed still you don't even know where the hell you are. I don't owe you anything. I'm neither doing charity and had to see to your needs. Wake the f*** up man, if you're still in deep slumber just go kick the bucket straight. No matter how generous I am and no matter how big my heart can continue to hold all those sarcastic remarks, I had really reached my limit. Everyone has their own limit. Stop being childish, grow up please. Actually, asking you to grow up "please", I don't think a person like you deserves the word "please"!

Twisted like I am...

2007-04-22T05:04:00.000+09:00

It's been 2 weeks since I have posted an entry around this hour but I still prefer writing my journals late at night. Just a few minutes ago, I suddenly felt there's not much time left and yet I don't get it what I need to do or maybe the problem is what is left for me to do. Usually people always says "so many things to do yet not much time left" but especially in the middle of the night there might be people like me kept on thinking, "what should I do?", "what's there for me to do?", "what can I do?" and the biggest question "what am I doing exactly?". Then every time or no matter how far I had walked, how long it has been, how much I had been through, I'm just walking round and round. I'm lost but found. I'd walked but yet I'm still at the beginning. Finally when I really knew I have been walking round and round, everything simply happened and works out liked a reflection of a mirror. And no matter how much you really hate life is, it's still life. We're the slaves for time and money. Slaves for everything but the master for our own lives. Nonsense, rubbish, all these were bullshit especially when we were the master for our own lives! So many situations that left no choices and decides our fate. No matter how much freedom I always had, I'm still chained down with burden.

I'd found something interesting a month ago while surfing net. There was this J-rock band labeled under visual-kei, which is something new that I learnt recently, there was this band which was disbanded few years back then named Malice Mizer. After reading through its introduction in wikipedia, I saw a question which why the band was really being created, and they asked "what is human?", their answer "malice and misery". Ridiculous, I would say, if human is just these 2 words to describe, I think their brain must be malfunctioning. Perhaps I might be wrong about this or they might have been come to a long conclusion about what humans are really about and shortened it into just these 2 words. If humans were so simple as they had mentioned, I supposed humans won't live in fear and terror.

I'm having new discoveries about this rotten world daily. No matter is something serious or something trivial, I supposed it's not something new to the rest. I'd thought of this something again, while this something isn't new and everyone might have been through. "Love", shared between a man and a woman, not between other people. I came across this 3 times, and I heard a lot about it. Not only I had feared of its consequences and I know I'm lousy at it. There's someone asked me, "Is there anything you're lousy in?", I supposed to "love" is something I'm not good in. I don't know how to "love" and it's not I can't "love". I don't know what kind of "love" to give and it's not I can't give it. Within these 3 "loves", 2 "loves" kept on asking "what can you contribute in terms of "love"? Till now, I wonder what I can give to continue to "love". Perhaps a year ago, I knew this special person, which I felt she's amazing. Amazing, why? She had never "love a man" before but she know how to "love" him by giving what is necessary.

Now I wonder... What if I had nothing, and what had left was my empty rotting shell, would any kind soul picked me up and said he love me dearly? Would he teach me what should I give or I need not contribute to him anything and I could keep on loving him? Would he willingly to let me fly off from his side and give me freedom without any consequences? Or maybe would he let me kill him so I can bring him around to anywhere I go and he won't ever leave me behind cause I loved him so dearly? I was told I had been the selfish one and were asked to be fair yet they were the ones who had never been fair before. All they could say "I'm the one who has been careful" but why give excuses if you really can't do it". Why till the end, they still liked to lie just to save their own pride and ego. However there's no such thing as "FAIR" under this rotten sky. We share the same piece of land and share the same piece of sky, I thought someone like you would have know it better than I do.

"Harmless" words?

2007-04-19T22:38:00.000+09:00

Just feel like entering another sin in today into my bible. That was because I thought of something sinful today. I'd wonder was it my fault or it wasn't even my wrong? But I just don't feel like blaming anyone except myself. After hearing what shouldn't meant to be known, I just felt nothing but anger and hatred towards these rotten humans. I never knew humans could be so rotten till their bones were already exposing. I'm not feeling good today but after hearing those so-called "doesn't hurt a single bit" comments from a stranger whom I don't even know, it just made me feel even more annoyed and irritated. Cause humans never do what they preach and all they could do is just keep on saying.

Indeed, those retarded comments really gets on me, but I tried hard to hide my anger still I supposed my displeasure were all written on my face. Always having a nervous breakdown after work however the illness today isn't as serious as usual. Tried real hard to keep quiet and calm down by cracking lame jokes. And now once I think about it again, I just think it's really foolish to be angry over such things. Cause the mouth doesn't grow on my face and I don't have the rights to control over these rotten humans' foul mouth. Sometimes once in awhile I simply wished that they really understand where they actually stand.

Please don't comment about this entry, just read and understand and keep any thoughts to yourself. Cause I don't need an extra moron to repeat what another idiot say. Stop showing me monkeys show especially the "Monkey say, monkey do" show, it's getting dry and really gets on my nerves when I watched it. It's best just "shhhhh" all the time, it really keeps you safe from stepping on other people's land mines. Furthermore, everyone should know words are alive, and this good example shows how these harmless words really agitates me. Thus lesson learned today, mind your language! Mind your words! Most of all mind your mouth! You won't know when will you be back stabbed.

The only sin today I ever committed so stupidly is the thought of wanted to kill that person. You know, kind of like an urge to use a sharp knife and slice through the throat slowly and drain of every single drop of blood in a bath tub. Then uses a toilet bowl scrubber and scrubbed the mouth hard till the teeth falls off, and the blood washes the mouth clean. And, I'm not mad and crazy about this, I'm seriously serious about doing it so...

Depressed

2007-04-17T23:25:00.000+09:00

Back on my atonement bible, indeed this is my one and only, first and only online dairy where I'm trying my best to atone every sins I committed. To be honest, I'm not just like no any other girls writing about love nor what had happened or their troubles. Somehow I'm kind of serious about my contents inside this mini-bible. And yet now, everyday after work, the only place to rest my worn out soul peacefully is here where within this little world lies my freedom.

Today something just kept going round and round in my mind, kind of bothers me? A little, cause the whole day I kept thinking about it and it made me a little listless. Just like 1 pretty lady who said to me "stop being emo", perhaps I supposed that is what they meant depressed. Talking about depressed, I just felt I'm at least a 100 times better now comparing the "me" a year ago. At least I don't go around injecting my sorrow all over the place nor showing my long and sad face. She's right, life is not like a bed of roses to begin with but that doesn't mean people aren't given the rights to be depressed. Depression is bad, that's what everybody thinks but maybe just once in a while it could be the best treatment. Probably somewhere within this depression, there will be some place where you can really breathe well and release your sorrow and worries.

Eventually, someone told me about this person who's always sad, and what she wrote inside her blog, her MSN's display name were all depressed words and nothing else. It's not wrong to do that but then what's the point of going to do this all the time? Is she going to do these for the rest of her life? Or perhaps was she trying to get more attention from everyone by telling them she needs more care and love? If is so, then I don't think the love we could give would satisfy her cause she knew these sympathies were easy to gain. More personally I feel that she doesn't deserve our love not fit to be loved cause there wasn't any respect at the first place. It causes more sorrow upon seeing having such a friend who used our feelings to fill her vain heart.

If anyone would ask why would I get depressed. Perhaps my reply would be a total disappointment for being a human and born under this beautiful blue sky but yet a rotten world. And if I would die soon, either I would rot deep into my bones with my resentment or regain my freedom after I've freed myself from heavy burdens. I don't get depressed for not having a man as my companion for life. I don't feel depressed even I'm going to be lonely and having an unfilled heart full of emptiness. I don't need to bother whether I have everything or I have nothing. I don't give a damn whether I will forever taste what true happiness is. But just wanted to say live the way we should live, it's our life. We don't owe anyone nor do others. My words to her, "A confession from a drama queen is always a confession for atonement. Ask for forgiveness to free yourself and not asking forgiveness from God to continue your sin"

Paid for Experience

2007-04-15T20:14:00.000+09:00

Alright, I had an audience requesting me to enter my entry and right now I'm fulling her request! Muacks baby for paying so much attention to my blog. And also I got to shower some of my love to that beautiful lady who tagged my blog about asking me out, love you babe but we shall meet some day soon. I had been busy lately and is real busy not simply busy. Let's not complicate things any further, to be direct, everyone is doing their SIP lately. SIP, what the hell is it? Student Internship Program, though it might sound strange to the others who are currently studying different polytechnics as I am, it should be the most common thing going round and round now. Though it sound nice, you know like "SIP", actually the fact is cheap labour, but another fact is that, even though we were paid with the salary of $440 per month, we actually were "buying" experience over there. I was posted to F&N Foods Pte Ltd, yeah right, sounds good isn't it? It sounds great to me for the first day till I really get to know what the hell is slogging like a cow that called "work" for me.

A brief introduction, F&N not only produces soft drinks, alright, please, for goodness sake, expand your narrow brain if you think F&N produces only soft drinks, it also produces, milk, soybean milks, yoghurts, yoghurt drink (viva), ice cream, condense milk, juices (fruit tree fresh and sunkist) and even the most common drink you got to have every morning, "Ice Mountain"! Mineral water for idiots who don't understand. It's fun working there, yeah, indeed, "fun" but damn educational, cause the supervisor love to teach you loads of stuff if you're willing to ask and learn. However waking up early in the freaking morning and leave house before the sunrises and reaches there at 8am, really makes me feel sick! Not enough of sleep and is worse than having insomnia! I was being cooped and locked inside the QC office together with my supervisor doing documentation and hearing office politics daily especially the pantry is just next to my table. All I could say is that the factory is really saving space to the extent even samples were store in the office itself. Whether you felt if you had posted to a well-known company or you felt you had been posted to heaven or rather hell, the canteen there sells food that isn't meant for human consumption but it meant to fill up your stomach practically.

The benefit there is having drinks there were free flow but the food there were just like leftovers with little rice, and there's only one pathetic store, of course, HALAL, so to my sister out there who was posted to Koolwerks, I just hope maybe we could exchange job for once a week, cause the place here suits him a lot. He can speak malay all the time if he's working inside the Chemistry Lab cause all the personnels there were either malaysians or malays. And of course, one of my colleagues was caught in an accident, and thus I "happily" covered his job, yeah it's really fun cause I got to work in the lab instead of facing papers everyday, but soon everyday I kept doing titration with yoghurts and expired yoghurts, I just couldn't help but fear of yoghurts. Amazing I learned something new which everyone down there does, which is using my mouth to suck the burette, in here they don't even give a damn whether is it a correct or proper procedure. That is called work, so long you get the things done on time, and clear the batches of samples which comes in non-stop like water flow, nobody would say whether what you did is wrong or correct.

Is nice working there and surrounded by nice supervisors and colleagues but ironically, is really tiring till you're suffering from fatigue everyday after work. Soon I suppose I got to visit him whose currently works in IMH, I suppose, you-know-who! I just hope my entry today is entertaining enough, if there's any questions please post it on my tagboard, I'll gladly try my best to reply you...

Bounded

2007-03-31T03:32:00.000+09:00

Good evening, to the nocturnes, supposedly to be midnight now. Just these few hours ago, I had been having difficulties of breathing the air, just felt as though a sick person is trying his best to strangle me to death but couldn't finish me even he's at his full power of force. I hope that the surrounding air could be filtered as soon as possible. I just finished my another creative blog entry on the other blog, if you have the heart to search for it within this blog, I don't think it would be a difficult task. As you can see there's not many links in this blog either. This evening, I had a friend came to ask for my blog address on MSN, personally I felt quite delighted and real happy about it cause I'd found someone who really had thought of me. But I'm not trying to be rude, there could be another thinking is that, she wanted to make sure every link in her blog works. Or the other probability is that she suddenly thought of me and had the sudden urge of reading my blog entries cause she had nothing to do. If any of the above hits the nail, then please accept my sincere apology. I do respect all my friends (those who really thought of me even for just one second), that's why I wouldn't want to lose any. So far, I had lost quite a handful of them and from the beginning, I don't even have quite a number of good friends to begin with.

To my friend who asked for my blog web page, "Love you, muacks!", don't worry, even though I'm known bisexual, I won't attack you, cause I know you're straight! Just that, that is how I show my love to those who loved me. That should count as lucky, caused I'm not there to do anything like sexual harassment. Yesterday had a weird dream, I'd dreamed of spinning drum stick endlessly, not kind of weird but more of nightmare, as I thought, my fingers won't be able to stand spinning that stick continuously. However, I'd woke up and went to toilet to relieve myself! From there I know, I shouldn't had drank a cup of rose tea before I go to bed. Perhaps I'm nuts about my strange lifestyle. Most probably, if Ms.Jackfruit does read my blog entry, she would say "You had never been normal from the start!". Hmmm...... Recently, I'm craving for more and more bananas and banana milk tea. Though we lived in Singapore, of course we definitely would be able to eat bananas all year long unlike the cold countries like China, Japan, or USA. However not many of my family members loved bananas moreover it talks about milk, so basically, I felt bananas and milk, these two stuff starts to extinct from my life!

But I'm still able to get these supplies daily, provided I remind my mother before she's doing her shopping. However my mother would always come back with one bunch of bananas and the wrong type of milk. I prefer fresh milk to skim milk. Perhaps I prefer the thick consistency of fresh milk. Yesterday, I woke up quite early morning, having my cup of fresh milk as usual and I sat by the window watching the night sky slowly breaks into dawn and the sun rises which brightens up the sky. Birds chirping and flew over the sky in a flock. I had a thought, would it there be a day which I could truly find the freedom that I was searching for. Something like to be able to soar into the sky, and feeling light all over my body. Having an empty shell without burdens. However, I'd realized that could have been a silly thought, caused no matter how much freedom I was awarded, and no matter how strong my wings were, I'm still chained down heavily to this rotten world. Probably, one day I might just collapsed as my shoulder carried overweighted burdens. Things to consider, things to do, things to prioritize, so less time and by the time I'm ready to go for my journey, my time is up.

Desires within pain

2007-03-29T03:38:00.000+09:00

Worrying... My mother starts to worry about me. I wonder what's wrong now, but it was just the problem that I had been sleeping more and more while the hours are getting longer and longer. I barely stays awake for less than 10 hours but went to bed again. This reminds me of something that I once told myself that what if one day would I be sleeping away and couldn't wake up? However personally I felt it's something impossible that will happen on me. The so called slept away and passed away cases were too rare to be heard.

I came across this interesting phrase said that humans wished death just to meet the death god, but I couldn't help myself but just kept on laughing at that phrase. Though the whole phrase sounded so ridiculous but yet it was so true than ever to see silly humans tried hard dying just to see this stupid fellow. Yes, that fellow draped itself with the black hood and holding a scythe, looks "emo" isn't it? "Emo", I don't actually know the meaning of this word but kind of know how it's being used whenever I heard this word which always came from a friend who likes to add the word "F***" in front of everything he says.

However if meeting this fellow means our souls going to be send to hell. All I could say that, nowadays humans, nope, young kids and teenagers were hoping to go hell as what was in their minds were all thoughts that hell could be a nice place. A nice place? To have fun? Perhaps, maybe but certainly probably not.

Not talking about death nor has the habit of talking about it. I couldn't get it, why the word "death" could be mentioned daily just by anybody. Why this word is mentioned so easily and yet nobody thinks is something that brings miseries. I just wonder why this word will always appear anywhere and yet kids feels it's cool and fun to say it. Even though is such an easy word being used daily but till the day when they knew they going to die, they were there screaming and crying to be saved. I was once devastated when I remembered someone I loved so much asked me to die. I don't want to take things from granted like she always did. I don't know how long I could still hold on without being torn into pieces. I won't ask for death that easily before I finished all the promises that I made.

There's this sudden thought that flashed through my mind. "What I want to do most of all?", and I kept thinking all these while. I was told before that being alive, there's bound to be a reason and purpose. At first when I wrote my life statement, all I wrote was what I wanted to be once I entered the society. It's more of my ambition rather than what I really wanted to do. Now came to think of it, maybe I just felt liked wanted to go around the world, to listen. However what to listen? Maybe songs? Musics? Mysterious stories? These were all in my mind now. Honestly, I loved music so much, but nowadays most of the musics were stained those songs which truly warms your heart and touches your soul were extremely rare.

If there's this one day, perhaps just one day, I hope to have a tea party with my soul mates. Rather than calling them friends, I more of prefer soul mates. Having a quiet tea party, in a shelter, with the surroundings of mountains, trees, fountain and full bloom flowers. As together we viewed the natural, listen to the birds chirping away, looking at the fishes swimming around in the crystal clear water and watching the withering petals dancing in the midair which later fell on the ground that made the floor liked a flower carpet. Everyone of us happily chatting away about our past and present, drinking top grade tea and having tradition snacks. Making short sentimental poets, and playing music using chinese classical instruments. Looks like I made myself sounded quite old now. I wanted to have the last laugh for living on this hell prison that I was born in.

Catafalque

2007-03-27T06:01:00.000+09:00

Time flies, it's time again. Time, is? Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, decades, centuries, millennium, even milliseconds were counted as time. Time runs with no stopping, nothing is able to halt time. Like a cycle, it turns round and round. As the second hand reaches twelve it's as though half of my life time gone. As the clock strikes twelve midnight it indicates the end of today while it's the beginning of tomorrow.

Sometimes I wonder would time just freeze for me for just one second. Sometimes I wonder too, if time is able to fast forward so the day ends earlier. Since the day I was born, I'd thought I was the master of time but as when I grew older, I was found to be the slave of time. Humans, from the day they were born till the day they passed away, they were naturally competing against time. Yes, doing the best they could before they grew old and became worthless, trying to learn everything when they were young, while trying to live longer before the time within them came to a stop. Perhaps out there somewhere under the wide sky and vast ocean, there were these someones trying to control time. Time continues to run even centuries had passed away, it never stops and runs cruelly. Our time is like an hour glass, the time limit sets within us had started since we were made and is running out second by second till the last grain of sand.

Maybe someday, a blink of my eyes and my last grain of sand falls, my time ends, I do hope to see who sets my hour glass. I'm getting more and more tired. Somehow I felt I had seen enough and I had my fun. However no matter how much I had been loved, or how much I had done and how much fun I had in my whole life, I'm still empty within just like a bottomless pit. I had been falling within this pit for many years, probably one day, I might reach the end but most likely not.

I had once viewed the sky at a high place. Humans said the clear blue sky brightens up one's heart, evening brings an end of today and a beginning for tomorrow while clear night sky is a part of background for the stars and moon. Maybe that were all rubbish I heard or read from books or perhaps I was wrong about I felt all the while. From my empty shell, what I saw was totally different. From this rotten world, blue sky told you how sad and disappointed the earth is. The evening painted with red and orange colors, warning you how angry and frustrated it was. The dark and black sky showed you how this is like within these rotten humans. Was it my depressed and hatred giving me such imagination or was it the truth that were placed right in front of my eyes everyday.

I did told someone, actually I hoped to live as long as I could to see what I wanted to see but I never mind dying at a young age. Maybe all these while, I had a feeling that soon this piece of land that was once beautiful is going to shatter into pieces. As long as I could sleep within the coffin comfortably, I don't mind anything. Maybe somewhere within me trying to protect myself from these horror. Horror of when everything was going to be terminated and be destroyed, the screams of the "innocents" would be a living nightmare.

Yet is still far from this till then. In the silent night, where the time goes, the sound of it "tick, tock, tick, tock" before the second hand reaches twelve again and strikes at midnight. Just before the alarm echoes into my ears, I wished I'm sleeping soundly in my catafalque.

Timeless Atonement

2007-03-26T03:27:00.000+09:00

Days passed slowly, one after another, nothing stays the same but kept changing. Sun rises and sets, moon turning round to nothing, while I'm growing older. Yet what I felt isn't just simply growing but walking towards death. That's what humans usually does, isn't it? Everyday passes, and each day, our lives are getting more and more closer to death. Death, what is it? How does it looks like? What it meant? Does it makes life miserable? It's part of the human cycle, but some humans doesn't wish for it yet some wishes to try it once. I have not try it before but perhaps some experience of narrow escape from death.

To die, is easy yet it isn't. To die, people wishes it but majority fears. To die, is to lighten burden yet it brings miseries. Nowadays, people kept talking about death, to die, and they felt was fun. They felt that worshiping death and Saturn were cool, perhaps if they really felt horror before, these weren't just cool but turns out to be horror. I had seen how people looked at their lives, some took it lightly till they hurt themselves with penknives while some tried so hard to survive and couldn't make it. I was told not to take this to heart but I should do what I should be doing at my age. Enjoyment, once my prime time is over, I don't even have a single second to do it again. I really thought before, what if I'm gone, what would happen? My parents cried for me? Maybe my mother will but guess my father and brother won't. My friends would thought of me everyday? Most likely not. I wasn't trying to be mean saying that people around were cold-blooded but stating the facts. In this world, being honest is a crime while trying to hide oneself is protection.

Betrayed, lied, abandoned, broken up, I tried all these before. I wonder do they still remember doing this to me before. At the age of 7, I had seen how my friends lied to me. At the age of 12, I had friends abandoning me. At the age of 16, I had someone betrayed me. Should I cry hard now or should I trying to take revenge? Should I take out my anger somewhere else or what should I do? I found out I couldn't smile wholeheartedly like any girls do. Depressed, as always that was all I can do. I was told that caused I needed attention. Another told me that it was because I disallowed myself from happiness. Don't need to teach, I don't need those. I knew I was just an idiotic person trying to lie to myself that I had everything. However as time passes, really had thought, having everything is having nothing, yet vice versa. One have to learn to be contented but I was assured that humans never learn.

It's great born as a human but it's a disgrace born as one of them. I hate myself not because what I am but yet being a human. Ugly and cruel not beautiful and smart describes humans. From what I saw under this beautiful blue sky where this round planet I'm standing on now, is what we called earth. One day when this ugliness and cruelty of humans had over flood the balance, it's time to cleanse everything up.

Even though I'm just a speck of dust throughout the whole universe, being born and brought to this hell prison, I'm already marked as a sinner. I don't prayed to God for help cause I never love Him at the first place, but I would never pray to Saturn to redeem my soul. Within this filthy beautiful world I would want to do something that doesn't require time and I could atone for my sins every second and every minute.

Welcome! To my timeless atonement bible.

My new own world

2006-10-09T00:29:00.000+09:00

I have changed my blog address without informing anyone. However I did informed through my tag board, seems like nobody went to tag or even read about the notice I entered few weeks ago. I'm not disappointed cause actually this blog web page is being neglected for months and seems like it has become a whole new world for me to start a fresh. Somewhere I could keep my personal thoughts and opinions.

I felt liked I'm a marked sinner that trying to redeem myself from lying to my own heart and soul. I hope this blog able to help me do so. Recently I gave up a lot of things. Not even things, but maybe some thoughts and memories. I have locked away a lot of stuff in me and thrown away that key to my abandoned memory sea. It sinked and I don't hope this key will ever float up again. It's a little upsetting however I felt there's a need to do so.

I couldn't say I don't know what was I thinking that moment and I couldn't say I don't even know what was I doing at that point of time. I have deleted the only photo that me and my ex-boyfriend took at Sentosa. Also I was planning to burn away the photo album with neoprints of us taken at Cinneleisure. I found it disgusting when looking at those photos or even think about his image. However I'm wondering why do I feel disgusted but yet not annoying?

Perhaps I should end here. I'm tired.

My bit of Lady Luck!

2006-05-26T13:36:00.001+09:00

Just getting more and more freaking tired or am I getting freaking freakish? o.O Holy Moses, what the hell am I talking about? Haiz, recently I had stopped blogging! Time not enough or was it because I'm too engrossed in Maple? I have been late for my tutorials lately! Freakish, maybe my luck is running away...

Every morning, I woke up in frights when I saw my clock ticking and every minutes flies like nobody's business, but let's cut it short! Means I'm totally LATE and means I'm DEAD MEAT!!! Maybe I have been playing Maple too much already. I have been taking taxi to school for consecutively for 2 MORNINGS! Argh... This can't go on, my life is in a total mess. Because of the taxi, I'm TOTALLY BROKE! I'm going to declare myself bankrupt sia... Zzzzz..... Every trip is 10 bucks and my pocket is really burning with a big hole...

However, with these incidents, I'm very touched by my friends around me! Like.... Xin Ru (my fav. Por Lor Mi aka JackFruit) and YinXian (the Qiang Tou Chao)! hurhurhur... They bought me snacks like pocky and M&Ms' during lunch for me! I was shocked sia... But am very touched... =.= Haiz, but today is CCN day, spent quite amount of money, on chocolate fondue (Yummy, my distress snacks), a stick of dougnut (it's my personal fav. anyway) and a small pack of Lays Classic tibits (a treat from YiJia)!

Should I say I'm running totally bad luck or within it I'm running a little lady luck? I should count myself as lucky, hehe, cause a lot of treats from my friends recently, especially from Sam! She's great man, and yurong too, cause both of them gave me the chance to watch movie! Thanks guys! =) Lolx, I totally enjoyed the XMEN 3, The Last Stand Movie! Got a good seat and enjoyed the foods, furthermore we enjoy the best image and sound system in the theatre...

Totally thanks man! Thanks guys...

Back on SKATES!!!

2006-05-14T17:18:00.000+09:00

Finally I'm back on my skates though before that I'm still having loads of hesitation in my mind. Somehow or whatsoever, I have once lost my passion towards skating however in the end I still put it on. Last friday was fun fun fun cause I went for an urban with my kor, grandson, marcus and stara! Yohoo, I got to see everyone! Man, time does flies, I'm just away for a few months and came back, Sgskaters members have grown, more and more chiobu and everyone changes. In terms of appearance and even their skating skills. Now I knew I'm getting more and more noobier. I'm lousy... =P

Okie, after finishing the urban which simply last for around 3-4 hours. We skated from esplanade, to douby ghaut, to PS, to mohamand sultan, then to clarke quay and lastly back to esplanade again! Long journey eh? Could say it's manageable for a noobiest noob like me! Of course after a long journey, we need to rest, hence we skated to Makan Sutra which is at the back of esplanade and we ordered lots of Singapore Delicacies! Ok, I ordered a plate of 15 sticks Satays, chicken and pork! Can say is known as bagua, cause it's bbq too... Idiotic black ass sha don't want to eat! I'm so disappointed! T.T sob sob....
This is what kor has ordered, hokkien fried prawn mee! The best in Singapore ok! Lol, stara still asked what's the function of the banana leaf? Omg, I thought she should know? -_-lll oh my goodness.... The funniest thing about this prawn mee is that, the 3 of us lazy to peel the prawn in the end, 3 prawns only finished 2... LOL, we're the LAZY MAPLE 3 MASKERTEERS!!!
This what grandson ordered! The last one to come... And we're already died of hunger! Ok, it's fried carrot cake... Can't blame it came last cause at first we don't know whether to fried it white or black? Or want black and white? Oops, I don't know... Got him damn confused... =X However he still ordered a white 1, and the first dish to finish!!!

Bagua Day

2006-05-11T03:39:00.000+09:00

Bagua? Sound familiar eh? No doubts! It's bagua! Whether you believe your eyes or not, and it's really that I mentioned "Bagua" in my blog. To sha, you sexy black ass out there, I am mentioning your favourite can't do without it Bagua! I'm totally mesmerised and seduced by your bagua! Influence totally and I'm crazy about bagua all because of you.

Haha, talking about bagua, since yesterday I have been mentioning this "Bagua" word non-stop no matter where I am or who I am with? I have been joking with Saddiq, especially him, using the word "Bagua"! And what do you know? He's able to joke with me at the same time. Now I finally opened this bagua team in TP! Now we called it TPBU - Temasek Polytechnic Bagua Union! Lolx... We're truly "siao" and you can confirm our craziness when you see us! I have been joking with Saddiq, such as, what happened when Malay consume pork? Lolx, now I'm Ms Bagua and he's our Bagua... Hmmm, talking about Bagua, I'm damn hungry.... -_-lll what the freakin' hell is this?

Haiz, I'm exhausted today, cause I woke up early in the morning just for the NLS project meeting! And fortunately I remembered there's a FI lab today, and need to get a logbook. What's logbook? Explanation: It's use to record every experiment in details and in a formal report format. Ok, got it guys? Also this is my first time I got a small note book for myself! First time in my life that I'm using a notebook to take down what's important tasks which need to accomplished. Pathetic, is a stupid pathetic year. I felt as though I'm a total moron... Too many things, too many projects and assignments and lead me to a moronic confusions. Pathethic till I have to get myself a note book to note down stuff if not I'm going to forget everything clean and clear EXCEPT MapleStory! Muahahahahahahahahahaha....

Ok, this is my new notebook! I spend more than 15mins to choose it... o.O

However today, I just wrote a little! Less than a paragraph... -_-lll

Busy with BOOKS only....

2006-05-08T20:17:00.000+09:00

See so MANY books, are you having cold sweats already?

Shit, so THICK, I'm going to flip the pages like hell ya!

I see until blur and even my camera snapped till blur.... o.O

Chim-alogy, can understand? I think you know nuts about it! Yep, peanuts! Lol...

Haiz, projects and projects! Assignments and assignments! EVERYTHING IS CHIONGING MY WAY MAN!!! -_-lll, I'm so tired lately, zzz...., going to die soon! First time in my life doing only 1 single projects using dozens and dozens of books! Stacking up high in the library and doing researches with my classmates. Lol, look at the pictures. See until you want to commit suicide. Unfortunately this is the only first package, and there's more to come! Oh my god, how am I going to pull through this. Today I just realised, I'm SEVERELY UNDERWEIGHT!!! T.T sob sob, I first time underweight, haiz, I always thought I'm 48-50kg, today measured while doing the tutorial, I'm 43.3kg. Oh my goodness....

Little Cassandra

2006-05-04T03:18:00.000+09:00

Hey yo! I'm back... Today is my little darling Cassandra's 1 month old! I cooked alot of red eggs today and gave out to the neighbours! You guys might be wondering, is it something wrong with me? Nope, you guys don't imagine too much if not you're leading yourself to a wrong track.

Cassandra is indeed my daughter but I didn't gave birth to her. She's given birth by Charmaine, one of my good sister that nobody knows about but yet heard about. Cass is 1 month old already, and she's still so small in size. Still remember last month that though I'm at malaysia but I came back to Singapore for a week just to accompany Charmaine. Looking at her giving birth naturally to Cass is something great. It's painful but yet her own flesh and blood is out from her womb, I looked at her tired and happy face just makes me feel that she's so much fortunate. That kind of fortunate feeling, joyous and happiness is something that we are unable to imagine. The pain and relieved is just so much undescribeable.

My first time entering a labouring room, I felt so excited and nervous. Nervous when she held on to my hands tightly. She groaned and screamed for help that she's in pain. She even said silly words like giving up but I said babies are petty cute little creatures, don't say such things! However when little Cass is out, I felt happiness is all around the room. I carried her in my arms, just as though carrying a fragile cute little doll in my arms. So cute and sweet, pure and innoncent. My first exprience is just like that was given away to this little baby.

I have been cooking ginger chicken lately, braised vinegar trotters and many more other lactating mothers' meal. Charmaine is same age as me, and I supposed she's rather weak than other mothers age around 25 and above. I felt bad that I when back Malaysia soon after she gave birth. However now I do have more time to visit her and cook more nicer dishes for her. My first time being a mother, helping Charmaine to take care of little Cass! Hope I could give her what she wants and provide her what she needs. I just don't want to see this young baby grew up to be weak like me and her mum, nor even insensible like we do.

My darling Cassandra you're 1 month old already! Mummy wished you have a healthy body. Love you always girl! Muackz... =)

Tagboard!

2006-05-02T15:30:00.000+09:00

Hi guys, sorry for the inconvience! Due to the stupid problems that always happen on my stupid tagboard, I had decided to change it. Therefore currently is under construction. Please do not write anything, save up what you want to say to me and I'll get the tagboard ready as soon as possible! You can flood it all the hell you want! But then, I don't think anyone will do that! zzz..... sadzzz.... -_-lll haiz... T.T sob sob pathetic tagboard!!!!!

Adult conversation

2006-05-01T13:10:00.000+09:00

Yesterday was little Nigel's birthday party. I went to ECP in the end to meet up with Colin and Margaret. I get to know Herman who is a great humourous guy and Sharon who is a lady whom enjoyed wine, food and man. Not bad for the first time I get back to this circle of friends. We talked a lot before we set off to the party. Herman asked me what kind of guys am I going after? However I just said currently I am not interested in any guys and would rather spend my time now on my studies and build a strong foundation in my career which is in few years time. "Men", is a word I asked myself, what could I asked out from them? I don't fit to love, why do I have to seek for them. I made a vow, and I shall honour it.

I saw a lot friends and everyone said the same thing, "Hey, you slimmed down alot! Are you sick?" I don't know. Perhaps I am really sicked inside? Woooo, cancer ar? Choy choy choy, just kiddin'! I saw a lot people that I know, Serene, Zhi Wei, Daddy Alex, Kelvin, Ben, Elbriena, Xiao Zhu, Gregory, Marcus, Stara, Helen, Nicholas, Chuan, and him. Till now I still don't want to mention his name nor just speak out his name, and not even looked at him. I hate him? No. I am narrow minded? No. I just find it awkward. Perhaps I have yet fully letting go.

Why I can't let go even I have once possessed it? Why do I still have to yearn for it? Was it because that was greedy?

I had a great chat yesterday with Herman, Margaret, Pearline and Colin. It was liked an adult conversation, and yet I find it interesting cause everyone is sharing what they know, and each of us just have the click. It was great, we talked, we shared and I do find myself even more like an adult than before. I drank a bottle of beer yesterday during the chat, and got myself drunk cause I didn't eat anything to slow down that alcoholic entering my blood. Furthermore I even went to play with Nicholas at the swing, and it makes it even worse. However in the end, I'm alright still able to control and reached home safely. No hangovers when I woke up and I'm still able to blog here. Hmm, but at least now I know what should do and what shouldn't do if I wanto to drink. Well this time I am able to control even I knew I'm going to get myself drunk. Haha...

The whole night I have been saying, "Life is so short but yet so boring" and "I felt so old but yet so young", maybe some of us the youngsters might feel these now but when we get older, this kind of mindset will change. Because we will only know how short life can be when we're at the brink of death. We will say "Night is forever young" when we're getting older. Sheesh, in life there are so many contradictory stuff, and we're always unable to stick to 1, seems like everyone changes every minutes and every seconds.

Raining is just that simply innocent

2006-04-28T07:54:00.000+09:00

Yesterday I had missed the chance to enter a entry, I slept at 6pm and wakes up 6am today. Slept fpr 12 hours and am still tired. Wounds are still hurting as the same. Yesterday morning, i didn't sleep cause I was playing maple, thus I didn't miss any lectures! Just before stepping out of the house and going for classes, the sky started to rain heavily. Wondering should I go to lecture? Hesitation still exist within me even when I already in the lift and on the way to school.

On the way to the bus stop with my umbrella under that heavy rain. I recalled many old sweet memories that I was young. I saw school kids going to school with or without their parents and many more. My mind links me to many of those rain memories. Those memories were rather innocent, like my first small umbrella during kindergarten, went home running in the rain with wei jun, fall sick the next day, is just that pure sweetness makes me smile the whole way to school even though the rain wet my pants and jacket. Under the rain with a small umbrella, heavy rain drops fall on the umbrella makes that natural melodies. Fresh and cooling air blewing on me. Just loved that if every morning the sky is able to rain. Even tiredness is able to wash away.

While in the bus stop waiting for bus, I saw a girl around my age was waiting bus with her boyfriend. Well, I guess Singapore is getting more and more open thus showing intimacy in public isn't much a big deal. Well, I do get envy sometimes. Was sweet that her boyfriend send her to the bus stop early in the rainy morning. Block her from those rain drops coming in to the shelter. Haha, that was sweet isn't it. Perhaps that's so call affectionate?

Today is the day I have the longest break, 4 hours in school and yet nothing to do. So in the end I decided to go TM and get Nigel's birthday present. I shopped around and looked around. I went in to a shop and saw many cute soft toys, saw something I liked which is a cow soft toy, I should say it just looked so cute, wished I could have bought that home. I have been cow craze since sec 3. I just wished so much so I'm already old enough to own a house and live by own and decorate my house with loads of cows stuff but also everything is just black and white. Maybe poeple around me might find me "No Life". I went to Toys'R'us, I should say kids nowadays are getting more and more fortunate, cause there are loads of toys, and I shopped until I'm confused wonder what I should buy for Nigel. In the end I still decided to get him a set of small racing cars. On the way back to school, my leg was injured. Well, not that serious but there are scratches on the skin even I'm wearing jeans. Just an accident, but bruises can be seen.

I didn't slept last night so I was very tired. I took a bus at Tampanies Interchange. Fortunately is bus 23, I fall asleep in the bus and in the end, the bus went 2 routines. So I had fallen asleep for 2 hours. However I still manage to alight at my school bus stop and didn't miss any tutorials.

Guess I should stop here, cause my post is getting too long... >.< byeeee....