It's been 2 weeks since I have posted an entry around this hour but I still prefer writing my journals late at night. Just a few minutes ago, I suddenly felt there's not much time left and yet I don't get it what I need to do or maybe the problem is what is left for me to do. Usually people always says "so many things to do yet not much time left" but especially in the middle of the night there might be people like me kept on thinking, "what should I do?", "what's there for me to do?", "what can I do?" and the biggest question "what am I doing exactly?". Then every time or no matter how far I had walked, how long it has been, how much I had been through, I'm just walking round and round. I'm lost but found. I'd walked but yet I'm still at the beginning. Finally when I really knew I have been walking round and round, everything simply happened and works out liked a reflection of a mirror. And no matter how much you really hate life is, it's still life. We're the slaves for time and money. Slaves for everything but the master for our own lives. Nonsense, rubbish, all these were bullshit especially when we were the master for our own lives! So many situations that left no choices and decides our fate. No matter how much freedom I always had, I'm still chained down with burden.

I'd found something interesting a month ago while surfing net. There was this J-rock band labeled under visual-kei, which is something new that I learnt recently, there was this band which was disbanded few years back then named Malice Mizer. After reading through its introduction in wikipedia, I saw a question which why the band was really being created, and they asked "what is human?", their answer "malice and misery". Ridiculous, I would say, if human is just these 2 words to describe, I think their brain must be malfunctioning. Perhaps I might be wrong about this or they might have been come to a long conclusion about what humans are really about and shortened it into just these 2 words. If humans were so simple as they had mentioned, I supposed humans won't live in fear and terror.

I'm having new discoveries about this rotten world daily. No matter is something serious or something trivial, I supposed it's not something new to the rest. I'd thought of this something again, while this something isn't new and everyone might have been through. "Love", shared between a man and a woman, not between other people. I came across this 3 times, and I heard a lot about it. Not only I had feared of its consequences and I know I'm lousy at it. There's someone asked me, "Is there anything you're lousy in?", I supposed to "love" is something I'm not good in. I don't know how to "love" and it's not I can't "love". I don't know what kind of "love" to give and it's not I can't give it. Within these 3 "loves", 2 "loves" kept on asking "what can you contribute in terms of "love"? Till now, I wonder what I can give to continue to "love". Perhaps a year ago, I knew this special person, which I felt she's amazing. Amazing, why? She had never "love a man" before but she know how to "love" him by giving what is necessary.

Now I wonder... What if I had nothing, and what had left was my empty rotting shell, would any kind soul picked me up and said he love me dearly? Would he teach me what should I give or I need not contribute to him anything and I could keep on loving him? Would he willingly to let me fly off from his side and give me freedom without any consequences? Or maybe would he let me kill him so I can bring him around to anywhere I go and he won't ever leave me behind cause I loved him so dearly? I was told I had been the selfish one and were asked to be fair yet they were the ones who had never been fair before. All they could say "I'm the one who has been careful" but why give excuses if you really can't do it". Why till the end, they still liked to lie just to save their own pride and ego. However there's no such thing as "FAIR" under this rotten sky. We share the same piece of land and share the same piece of sky, I thought someone like you would have know it better than I do.