Saturday, April 28, 2007
~.++GET it RIGHT++.~
It's a shame which passes down from generation to generation.
That filthy stain can't be washed.
Runs in the blood and spreads through everywhere.
Guilty innocence is the true legacy from the homo sapiens.
Loyalty shows no honor but treachery for fames and desires.
Get it RIGHT!
The stench of the rotten faith runs within.
Diffusing its biohazardous elements where we're enclosed in this stratosphere.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
~.++Defensive Dumb Ass++.~
I'm tired from work but still I'm entering a sin today. No matter how much I had shared this childish story to my close ones, I still find it hard to accept the fact that I could forgive such kind of person. Need not say nor do I need to mention the name, I suppose he or she should know what is it about. Sometimes I just can't figure out what's wrong with acknowledging one's own shortcomings? Does it mean accepting it is really a shame? Why do people have to be so idiotically defensive and give loads of excuses that makes no sense at all? Maybe their brains weren't structured and functioning properly? I don't see why do I have to be the only one trying accept everything especially when one doesn't even know how to appreciate and realize what the other has done.
So what if I said that, "hey, I tried my best to accept you", and I just simply felt there's no need for it for an ungrateful idiot who tries to act blur and pretend nothing has happened at all. Quit the act and stop being blur even no matter how innocent your moronic face is, everyone still can see how ugly the way you acted. Nothing wrong in admitting mistakes that you think you had never committed. Cause all these while you had been repeating these mistakes which everybody feels that "there's no need to tell you because watching you committing mistakes is as though watching monkeys performing in the circus for entertainment usage! you're basically nothing but to amuse me, you dumb ass head!". I really hate to say it but I just don't know how these people had their world worked out? Naive? Innocent? Is that all they can act to survive? I'm not sure though but they were as confusing as I am now.
Which part I couldn't understand? The part where what I said about them is WRONG and what they said is ALWAYS RIGHT! I could only say something which is so sinful which is "F*** it man, you think who the f*** you're? Trying to have the last say for everything! Your world is so damn small that what you can see is only people revolving around you! Freak ass man...". This is the moment when I just want to paste a "Rejected" sticker on them and dump them into the incinerator just like those rejected contaminated food products! Screw you! Looking at you is just as though looking at yoghurts which had incubated for 3 days at 37 degree celcius, looks nice at the outside but contaminated within, looks inhomogeneous and gave off a foul smell.
I tried my best accepting every shortcomings you had but I supposed still you don't even know where the hell you are. I don't owe you anything. I'm neither doing charity and had to see to your needs. Wake the f*** up man, if you're still in deep slumber just go kick the bucket straight. No matter how generous I am and no matter how big my heart can continue to hold all those sarcastic remarks, I had really reached my limit. Everyone has their own limit. Stop being childish, grow up please. Actually, asking you to grow up "please", I don't think a person like you deserves the word "please"!
Sunday, April 22, 2007
~.++Twisted like I am...++.~
It's been 2 weeks since I have posted an entry around this hour but I still prefer writing my journals late at night. Just a few minutes ago, I suddenly felt there's not much time left and yet I don't get it what I need to do or maybe the problem is what is left for me to do. Usually people always says "so many things to do yet not much time left" but especially in the middle of the night there might be people like me kept on thinking, "what should I do?", "what's there for me to do?", "what can I do?" and the biggest question "what am I doing exactly?". Then every time or no matter how far I had walked, how long it has been, how much I had been through, I'm just walking round and round. I'm lost but found. I'd walked but yet I'm still at the beginning. Finally when I really knew I have been walking round and round, everything simply happened and works out liked a reflection of a mirror. And no matter how much you really hate life is, it's still life. We're the slaves for time and money. Slaves for everything but the master for our own lives. Nonsense, rubbish, all these were bullshit especially when we were the master for our own lives! So many situations that left no choices and decides our fate. No matter how much freedom I always had, I'm still chained down with burden.
I'd found something interesting a month ago while surfing net. There was this J-rock band labeled under visual-kei, which is something new that I learnt recently, there was this band which was disbanded few years back then named Malice Mizer. After reading through its introduction in wikipedia, I saw a question which why the band was really being created, and they asked "what is human?", their answer "malice and misery". Ridiculous, I would say, if human is just these 2 words to describe, I think their brain must be malfunctioning. Perhaps I might be wrong about this or they might have been come to a long conclusion about what humans are really about and shortened it into just these 2 words. If humans were so simple as they had mentioned, I supposed humans won't live in fear and terror.
I'm having new discoveries about this rotten world daily. No matter is something serious or something trivial, I supposed it's not something new to the rest. I'd thought of this something again, while this something isn't new and everyone might have been through. "Love", shared between a man and a woman, not between other people. I came across this 3 times, and I heard a lot about it. Not only I had feared of its consequences and I know I'm lousy at it. There's someone asked me, "Is there anything you're lousy in?", I supposed to "love" is something I'm not good in. I don't know how to "love" and it's not I can't "love". I don't know what kind of "love" to give and it's not I can't give it. Within these 3 "loves", 2 "loves" kept on asking "what can you contribute in terms of "love"? Till now, I wonder what I can give to continue to "love". Perhaps a year ago, I knew this special person, which I felt she's amazing. Amazing, why? She had never "love a man" before but she know how to "love" him by giving what is necessary.
Now I wonder... What if I had nothing, and what had left was my empty rotting shell, would any kind soul picked me up and said he love me dearly? Would he teach me what should I give or I need not contribute to him anything and I could keep on loving him? Would he willingly to let me fly off from his side and give me freedom without any consequences? Or maybe would he let me kill him so I can bring him around to anywhere I go and he won't ever leave me behind cause I loved him so dearly? I was told I had been the selfish one and were asked to be fair yet they were the ones who had never been fair before. All they could say "I'm the one who has been careful" but why give excuses if you really can't do it". Why till the end, they still liked to lie just to save their own pride and ego. However there's no such thing as "FAIR" under this rotten sky. We share the same piece of land and share the same piece of sky, I thought someone like you would have know it better than I do.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
~.++"Harmless" words?++.~
Just feel like entering another sin in today into my bible. That was because I thought of something sinful today. I'd wonder was it my fault or it wasn't even my wrong? But I just don't feel like blaming anyone except myself. After hearing what shouldn't meant to be known, I just felt nothing but anger and hatred towards these rotten humans. I never knew humans could be so rotten till their bones were already exposing. I'm not feeling good today but after hearing those so-called "doesn't hurt a single bit" comments from a stranger whom I don't even know, it just made me feel even more annoyed and irritated. Cause humans never do what they preach and all they could do is just keep on saying.
Indeed, those retarded comments really gets on me, but I tried hard to hide my anger still I supposed my displeasure were all written on my face. Always having a nervous breakdown after work however the illness today isn't as serious as usual. Tried real hard to keep quiet and calm down by cracking lame jokes. And now once I think about it again, I just think it's really foolish to be angry over such things. Cause the mouth doesn't grow on my face and I don't have the rights to control over these rotten humans' foul mouth. Sometimes once in awhile I simply wished that they really understand where they actually stand.
Please don't comment about this entry, just read and understand and keep any thoughts to yourself. Cause I don't need an extra moron to repeat what another idiot say. Stop showing me monkeys show especially the "Monkey say, monkey do" show, it's getting dry and really gets on my nerves when I watched it. It's best just "shhhhh" all the time, it really keeps you safe from stepping on other people's land mines. Furthermore, everyone should know words are alive, and this good example shows how these harmless words really agitates me. Thus lesson learned today, mind your language! Mind your words! Most of all mind your mouth! You won't know when will you be back stabbed.
The only sin today I ever committed so stupidly is the thought of wanted to kill that person. You know, kind of like an urge to use a sharp knife and slice through the throat slowly and drain of every single drop of blood in a bath tub. Then uses a toilet bowl scrubber and scrubbed the mouth hard till the teeth falls off, and the blood washes the mouth clean. And, I'm not mad and crazy about this, I'm seriously serious about doing it so...
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
~.++Depressed++.~
Back on my atonement bible, indeed this is my one and only, first and only online dairy where I'm trying my best to atone every sins I committed. To be honest, I'm not just like no any other girls writing about love nor what had happened or their troubles. Somehow I'm kind of serious about my contents inside this mini-bible. And yet now, everyday after work, the only place to rest my worn out soul peacefully is here where within this little world lies my freedom.
Today something just kept going round and round in my mind, kind of bothers me? A little, cause the whole day I kept thinking about it and it made me a little listless. Just like 1 pretty lady who said to me "stop being emo", perhaps I supposed that is what they meant depressed. Talking about depressed, I just felt I'm at least a 100 times better now comparing the "me" a year ago. At least I don't go around injecting my sorrow all over the place nor showing my long and sad face. She's right, life is not like a bed of roses to begin with but that doesn't mean people aren't given the rights to be depressed. Depression is bad, that's what everybody thinks but maybe just once in a while it could be the best treatment. Probably somewhere within this depression, there will be some place where you can really breathe well and release your sorrow and worries.
Eventually, someone told me about this person who's always sad, and what she wrote inside her blog, her MSN's display name were all depressed words and nothing else. It's not wrong to do that but then what's the point of going to do this all the time? Is she going to do these for the rest of her life? Or perhaps was she trying to get more attention from everyone by telling them she needs more care and love? If is so, then I don't think the love we could give would satisfy her cause she knew these sympathies were easy to gain. More personally I feel that she doesn't deserve our love not fit to be loved cause there wasn't any respect at the first place. It causes more sorrow upon seeing having such a friend who used our feelings to fill her vain heart.
If anyone would ask why would I get depressed. Perhaps my reply would be a total disappointment for being a human and born under this beautiful blue sky but yet a rotten world. And if I would die soon, either I would rot deep into my bones with my resentment or regain my freedom after I've freed myself from heavy burdens. I don't get depressed for not having a man as my companion for life. I don't feel depressed even I'm going to be lonely and having an unfilled heart full of emptiness. I don't need to bother whether I have everything or I have nothing. I don't give a damn whether I will forever taste what true happiness is. But just wanted to say live the way we should live, it's our life. We don't owe anyone nor do others. My words to her, "A confession from a drama queen is always a confession for atonement. Ask for forgiveness to free yourself and not asking forgiveness from God to continue your sin"
Sunday, April 15, 2007
~.++Paid for Experience++.~
Alright, I had an audience requesting me to enter my entry and right now I'm fulling her request! Muacks baby for paying so much attention to my blog. And also I got to shower some of my love to that beautiful lady who tagged my blog about asking me out, love you babe but we shall meet some day soon. I had been busy lately and is real busy not simply busy. Let's not complicate things any further, to be direct, everyone is doing their SIP lately. SIP, what the hell is it? Student Internship Program, though it might sound strange to the others who are currently studying different polytechnics as I am, it should be the most common thing going round and round now. Though it sound nice, you know like "SIP", actually the fact is cheap labour, but another fact is that, even though we were paid with the salary of $440 per month, we actually were "buying" experience over there. I was posted to F&N Foods Pte Ltd, yeah right, sounds good isn't it? It sounds great to me for the first day till I really get to know what the hell is slogging like a cow that called "work" for me.
A brief introduction, F&N not only produces soft drinks, alright, please, for goodness sake, expand your narrow brain if you think F&N produces only soft drinks, it also produces, milk, soybean milks, yoghurts, yoghurt drink (viva), ice cream, condense milk, juices (fruit tree fresh and sunkist) and even the most common drink you got to have every morning, "Ice Mountain"! Mineral water for idiots who don't understand. It's fun working there, yeah, indeed, "fun" but damn educational, cause the supervisor love to teach you loads of stuff if you're willing to ask and learn. However waking up early in the freaking morning and leave house before the sunrises and reaches there at 8am, really makes me feel sick! Not enough of sleep and is worse than having insomnia! I was being cooped and locked inside the QC office together with my supervisor doing documentation and hearing office politics daily especially the pantry is just next to my table. All I could say is that the factory is really saving space to the extent even samples were store in the office itself. Whether you felt if you had posted to a well-known company or you felt you had been posted to heaven or rather hell, the canteen there sells food that isn't meant for human consumption but it meant to fill up your stomach practically.
The benefit there is having drinks there were free flow but the food there were just like leftovers with little rice, and there's only one pathetic store, of course, HALAL, so to my sister out there who was posted to Koolwerks, I just hope maybe we could exchange job for once a week, cause the place here suits him a lot. He can speak malay all the time if he's working inside the Chemistry Lab cause all the personnels there were either malaysians or malays. And of course, one of my colleagues was caught in an accident, and thus I "happily" covered his job, yeah it's really fun cause I got to work in the lab instead of facing papers everyday, but soon everyday I kept doing titration with yoghurts and expired yoghurts, I just couldn't help but fear of yoghurts. Amazing I learned something new which everyone down there does, which is using my mouth to suck the burette, in here they don't even give a damn whether is it a correct or proper procedure. That is called work, so long you get the things done on time, and clear the batches of samples which comes in non-stop like water flow, nobody would say whether what you did is wrong or correct.
Is nice working there and surrounded by nice supervisors and colleagues but ironically, is really tiring till you're suffering from fatigue everyday after work. Soon I suppose I got to visit him whose currently works in IMH, I suppose, you-know-who! I just hope my entry today is entertaining enough, if there's any questions please post it on my tagboard, I'll gladly try my best to reply you...
