Saturday, March 31, 2007
~.++Bounded++.~
Good evening, to the nocturnes, supposedly to be midnight now. Just these few hours ago, I had been having difficulties of breathing the air, just felt as though a sick person is trying his best to strangle me to death but couldn't finish me even he's at his full power of force. I hope that the surrounding air could be filtered as soon as possible. I just finished my another creative blog entry on the other blog, if you have the heart to search for it within this blog, I don't think it would be a difficult task. As you can see there's not many links in this blog either. This evening, I had a friend came to ask for my blog address on MSN, personally I felt quite delighted and real happy about it cause I'd found someone who really had thought of me. But I'm not trying to be rude, there could be another thinking is that, she wanted to make sure every link in her blog works. Or the other probability is that she suddenly thought of me and had the sudden urge of reading my blog entries cause she had nothing to do. If any of the above hits the nail, then please accept my sincere apology. I do respect all my friends (those who really thought of me even for just one second), that's why I wouldn't want to lose any. So far, I had lost quite a handful of them and from the beginning, I don't even have quite a number of good friends to begin with.
To my friend who asked for my blog web page, "Love you, muacks!", don't worry, even though I'm known bisexual, I won't attack you, cause I know you're straight! Just that, that is how I show my love to those who loved me. That should count as lucky, caused I'm not there to do anything like sexual harassment. Yesterday had a weird dream, I'd dreamed of spinning drum stick endlessly, not kind of weird but more of nightmare, as I thought, my fingers won't be able to stand spinning that stick continuously. However, I'd woke up and went to toilet to relieve myself! From there I know, I shouldn't had drank a cup of rose tea before I go to bed. Perhaps I'm nuts about my strange lifestyle. Most probably, if Ms.Jackfruit does read my blog entry, she would say "You had never been normal from the start!". Hmmm...... Recently, I'm craving for more and more bananas and banana milk tea. Though we lived in Singapore, of course we definitely would be able to eat bananas all year long unlike the cold countries like China, Japan, or USA. However not many of my family members loved bananas moreover it talks about milk, so basically, I felt bananas and milk, these two stuff starts to extinct from my life!
But I'm still able to get these supplies daily, provided I remind my mother before she's doing her shopping. However my mother would always come back with one bunch of bananas and the wrong type of milk. I prefer fresh milk to skim milk. Perhaps I prefer the thick consistency of fresh milk. Yesterday, I woke up quite early morning, having my cup of fresh milk as usual and I sat by the window watching the night sky slowly breaks into dawn and the sun rises which brightens up the sky. Birds chirping and flew over the sky in a flock. I had a thought, would it there be a day which I could truly find the freedom that I was searching for. Something like to be able to soar into the sky, and feeling light all over my body. Having an empty shell without burdens. However, I'd realized that could have been a silly thought, caused no matter how much freedom I was awarded, and no matter how strong my wings were, I'm still chained down heavily to this rotten world. Probably, one day I might just collapsed as my shoulder carried overweighted burdens. Things to consider, things to do, things to prioritize, so less time and by the time I'm ready to go for my journey, my time is up.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
~.++Desires within pain++.~
Worrying... My mother starts to worry about me. I wonder what's wrong now, but it was just the problem that I had been sleeping more and more while the hours are getting longer and longer. I barely stays awake for less than 10 hours but went to bed again. This reminds me of something that I once told myself that what if one day would I be sleeping away and couldn't wake up? However personally I felt it's something impossible that will happen on me. The so called slept away and passed away cases were too rare to be heard.
I came across this interesting phrase said that humans wished death just to meet the death god, but I couldn't help myself but just kept on laughing at that phrase. Though the whole phrase sounded so ridiculous but yet it was so true than ever to see silly humans tried hard dying just to see this stupid fellow. Yes, that fellow draped itself with the black hood and holding a scythe, looks "emo" isn't it? "Emo", I don't actually know the meaning of this word but kind of know how it's being used whenever I heard this word which always came from a friend who likes to add the word "F***" in front of everything he says.
However if meeting this fellow means our souls going to be send to hell. All I could say that, nowadays humans, nope, young kids and teenagers were hoping to go hell as what was in their minds were all thoughts that hell could be a nice place. A nice place? To have fun? Perhaps, maybe but certainly probably not.
Not talking about death nor has the habit of talking about it. I couldn't get it, why the word "death" could be mentioned daily just by anybody. Why this word is mentioned so easily and yet nobody thinks is something that brings miseries. I just wonder why this word will always appear anywhere and yet kids feels it's cool and fun to say it. Even though is such an easy word being used daily but till the day when they knew they going to die, they were there screaming and crying to be saved. I was once devastated when I remembered someone I loved so much asked me to die. I don't want to take things from granted like she always did. I don't know how long I could still hold on without being torn into pieces. I won't ask for death that easily before I finished all the promises that I made.
There's this sudden thought that flashed through my mind. "What I want to do most of all?", and I kept thinking all these while. I was told before that being alive, there's bound to be a reason and purpose. At first when I wrote my life statement, all I wrote was what I wanted to be once I entered the society. It's more of my ambition rather than what I really wanted to do. Now came to think of it, maybe I just felt liked wanted to go around the world, to listen. However what to listen? Maybe songs? Musics? Mysterious stories? These were all in my mind now. Honestly, I loved music so much, but nowadays most of the musics were stained those songs which truly warms your heart and touches your soul were extremely rare.
If there's this one day, perhaps just one day, I hope to have a tea party with my soul mates. Rather than calling them friends, I more of prefer soul mates. Having a quiet tea party, in a shelter, with the surroundings of mountains, trees, fountain and full bloom flowers. As together we viewed the natural, listen to the birds chirping away, looking at the fishes swimming around in the crystal clear water and watching the withering petals dancing in the midair which later fell on the ground that made the floor liked a flower carpet. Everyone of us happily chatting away about our past and present, drinking top grade tea and having tradition snacks. Making short sentimental poets, and playing music using chinese classical instruments. Looks like I made myself sounded quite old now. I wanted to have the last laugh for living on this hell prison that I was born in.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
~.++Catafalque++.~
Time flies, it's time again. Time, is? Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, decades, centuries, millennium, even milliseconds were counted as time. Time runs with no stopping, nothing is able to halt time. Like a cycle, it turns round and round. As the second hand reaches twelve it's as though half of my life time gone. As the clock strikes twelve midnight it indicates the end of today while it's the beginning of tomorrow.
Sometimes I wonder would time just freeze for me for just one second. Sometimes I wonder too, if time is able to fast forward so the day ends earlier. Since the day I was born, I'd thought I was the master of time but as when I grew older, I was found to be the slave of time. Humans, from the day they were born till the day they passed away, they were naturally competing against time. Yes, doing the best they could before they grew old and became worthless, trying to learn everything when they were young, while trying to live longer before the time within them came to a stop. Perhaps out there somewhere under the wide sky and vast ocean, there were these someones trying to control time. Time continues to run even centuries had passed away, it never stops and runs cruelly. Our time is like an hour glass, the time limit sets within us had started since we were made and is running out second by second till the last grain of sand.
Maybe someday, a blink of my eyes and my last grain of sand falls, my time ends, I do hope to see who sets my hour glass. I'm getting more and more tired. Somehow I felt I had seen enough and I had my fun. However no matter how much I had been loved, or how much I had done and how much fun I had in my whole life, I'm still empty within just like a bottomless pit. I had been falling within this pit for many years, probably one day, I might reach the end but most likely not.
I had once viewed the sky at a high place. Humans said the clear blue sky brightens up one's heart, evening brings an end of today and a beginning for tomorrow while clear night sky is a part of background for the stars and moon. Maybe that were all rubbish I heard or read from books or perhaps I was wrong about I felt all the while. From my empty shell, what I saw was totally different. From this rotten world, blue sky told you how sad and disappointed the earth is. The evening painted with red and orange colors, warning you how angry and frustrated it was. The dark and black sky showed you how this is like within these rotten humans. Was it my depressed and hatred giving me such imagination or was it the truth that were placed right in front of my eyes everyday.
I did told someone, actually I hoped to live as long as I could to see what I wanted to see but I never mind dying at a young age. Maybe all these while, I had a feeling that soon this piece of land that was once beautiful is going to shatter into pieces. As long as I could sleep within the coffin comfortably, I don't mind anything. Maybe somewhere within me trying to protect myself from these horror. Horror of when everything was going to be terminated and be destroyed, the screams of the "innocents" would be a living nightmare.
Yet is still far from this till then. In the silent night, where the time goes, the sound of it "tick, tock, tick, tock" before the second hand reaches twelve again and strikes at midnight. Just before the alarm echoes into my ears, I wished I'm sleeping soundly in my catafalque.
Monday, March 26, 2007
~.++Timeless Atonement++.~
Days passed slowly, one after another, nothing stays the same but kept changing. Sun rises and sets, moon turning round to nothing, while I'm growing older. Yet what I felt isn't just simply growing but walking towards death. That's what humans usually does, isn't it? Everyday passes, and each day, our lives are getting more and more closer to death. Death, what is it? How does it looks like? What it meant? Does it makes life miserable? It's part of the human cycle, but some humans doesn't wish for it yet some wishes to try it once. I have not try it before but perhaps some experience of narrow escape from death.
To die, is easy yet it isn't. To die, people wishes it but majority fears. To die, is to lighten burden yet it brings miseries. Nowadays, people kept talking about death, to die, and they felt was fun. They felt that worshiping death and Saturn were cool, perhaps if they really felt horror before, these weren't just cool but turns out to be horror. I had seen how people looked at their lives, some took it lightly till they hurt themselves with penknives while some tried so hard to survive and couldn't make it. I was told not to take this to heart but I should do what I should be doing at my age. Enjoyment, once my prime time is over, I don't even have a single second to do it again. I really thought before, what if I'm gone, what would happen? My parents cried for me? Maybe my mother will but guess my father and brother won't. My friends would thought of me everyday? Most likely not. I wasn't trying to be mean saying that people around were cold-blooded but stating the facts. In this world, being honest is a crime while trying to hide oneself is protection.
Betrayed, lied, abandoned, broken up, I tried all these before. I wonder do they still remember doing this to me before. At the age of 7, I had seen how my friends lied to me. At the age of 12, I had friends abandoning me. At the age of 16, I had someone betrayed me. Should I cry hard now or should I trying to take revenge? Should I take out my anger somewhere else or what should I do? I found out I couldn't smile wholeheartedly like any girls do. Depressed, as always that was all I can do. I was told that caused I needed attention. Another told me that it was because I disallowed myself from happiness. Don't need to teach, I don't need those. I knew I was just an idiotic person trying to lie to myself that I had everything. However as time passes, really had thought, having everything is having nothing, yet vice versa. One have to learn to be contented but I was assured that humans never learn.
It's great born as a human but it's a disgrace born as one of them. I hate myself not because what I am but yet being a human. Ugly and cruel not beautiful and smart describes humans. From what I saw under this beautiful blue sky where this round planet I'm standing on now, is what we called earth. One day when this ugliness and cruelty of humans had over flood the balance, it's time to cleanse everything up.
Even though I'm just a speck of dust throughout the whole universe, being born and brought to this hell prison, I'm already marked as a sinner. I don't prayed to God for help cause I never love Him at the first place, but I would never pray to Saturn to redeem my soul. Within this filthy beautiful world I would want to do something that doesn't require time and I could atone for my sins every second and every minute.
Welcome! To my timeless atonement bible.
